This isn't so much a rant or ramble, as it is a purge. Not really for anyone to read, as much as it is for me to unload some ill feelings, and stress. Blogging I suppose, bcuz I don't want to unload on any "one" person, and....at that point where the feedback wouldn't be much help. I'm beyond stressing out.
Christmas went fine. It snowed here, and there's a beautiful, blanket of white over everything. We ate a nice healthy meal. James has been enjoying his gifts, and we're warm and I'm grateful for all of it! That I have James, that James has me. That we're together, and all that is a blessing!!! I should be content with that. I am. Lots of other stuff filtering through though, and messing that up for me.
I've suffered with anxiety in the past. Incapacitating anxiety, and depression. I've tried various medications in the past. None really helped; only doped me up into a fog. So, medication isn't the solution for me. I've done enough self-searching, and spiritual work to understand that times like this can viewed as a point of change (for the better)...that being down, and viewing my life from this angle can help me take inventory of what's important, make changes, move through stagnant, unhealthy energy, etc. That there is an upside to all this. At this point though...it's hard to hold that perspective.
Right now I'm feeling crazy. Constant ill feelings and fretting taking hold. Every few minutes it's something else popping into my head that's making me feel out of control. Worse at night when I'm trying to sleep! My dreams are twisted nonsense, and more intense worrying, about everything under the sun. Tossing, turning, sweating...fretting about this ache, this pain, this and that situation. Till I can't stand it anymore and have to get up. When I'm up...it's a manic, shuffled feeling, where I don't feel anchored in my body. Just jumping around from one thing to another...trying to keep myself distracted from my own mind. I hate that sketchy, jumpy energy.
In general Christmas isn't the best time of year for anyone that suffers from anxiety. I've always struggled with this season, along with my mom, and my sister...part hereditary, part conditioning. I've done a lot to let go of all the superficial stressors that go along with Christmas...the "material" sort of things. I'd say about 20% of it is that 'generalized' anxiety. The other 80% is a bunch of shit combined. The sum of all fears...whatever.
Been overly concerned with my health lately, and something despite all my efforts...I can't seem to swing. Part of it is my age..now past that 40 year-mile. Part of it the concern of being a mom now. Part of it comes from putting myself off for so long, and not really disciplining myself when it comes to my health. Arg. Something I have to get off my ass and apply myself to!
Another big part of it...I think, is this whole new level of worrying that comes from being a new mom. No one explains this part to expectant moms. If they do...it's like some sort of twisted joke, that........as we quickly come to find out...is NO joke at all! I'm worrying in a way I never have before. Constantly!!! Every second since James has been born...worry, worry, worry! If he's breathing okay, if he looks okay. Is he operating okay? Does his poop look normal? When's the last poop he had? Did he get enough breastmilk? Is he hungry? Is he hot? Is he cold? Now it's...what's he doing? Where is he? What's he chewing on? Etc, etc, etc.
I think it's gotten me into another mode of worrying in general, and something I need to get a handle on!!!!!!! Bcuz now it seems like I'm worrying about everything in that same way. Am I okay? Am I too hot? Do I feel alright? Why's my arm hurt? Why do i feel so tired? Is there something seriously wrong? What am I doing? What's going on? What's the right direction? Is this healthy? Is that safe? Etc. It's crazy-thinking!!! And.......seems to be automatic at this point. Without realizing it...I've gotten into this quiet, frantic mode that isn't doing me any good.
Anyway...not so bad at the moment. James is awake now, and he'll keep me happy and busy for the day. Still those weird, stressing thoughts under the surface, but having to focus more on the simple, important things...like feeding him, watching him. Till tonight, when he goes to bed, and.......it all creeps/crashes back in. I have this real simple, basic part of my life where everything is a blessing and I'm so grateful. There's all the rest that I wonder if there's a point to it or not? Have to keep my wits about me, cope, and wade through it. Try and get myself centered again, rather then beside myself. When I get down like this it's hard to focus on the productive stuff...to be optimistic. Some other part of me has taken hold and I'm hoping it'll move on just as quietly as it snuck up on me. I don't feel like doing battle with it.