This isn’t the best format for doing this journal thing. I’m sure no one subscribed to my blog is going to be into updates about me drinking urine, coffee enemas, or the toxic state of my mind! :Worry: It works for me, since it’s here and easy to use….that’s what I need….easy. Anyway, tried to figure out a better format, but in the end………..this is gonna have to do. Thought about not making it accessible to the general public, but can’t really see the harm in it. I know I appreciate reading other peoples testimonials, so……
I think I’m just freaking out a little. Two days to go and I’m pretty sick again with a cold, and that’s not helping. James is sick too, and that’s worrying me. I can start the detox while sick, but will have to change it up a little. Start in slower/easier, since my immune system is already being taxed. Want to SUPPORT the healing process, not overwhelm it.
Having bouts of anxiety even before I start, not sure if this is from an ill state of health, or edginess about making such a big change….literally catapulting myself out of my comfort zone, into the unknown. Am I strong enough? Smoking is a huge part of it. Ridiculous to say that coffee and cigarettes is a comforting thing to wake up to. That’s absolutely asinine when I have sweet baby James to greet me every morning with his angelic smile, and positive attitude, and unconditional love!!!! Still, it’s my mind that’s struggling. Without the whole cigs & coffee thing………….my mind flips out. It’s a complete waste of time too! Not sure about other smokers, but I’m always………’taking a break’ with the cigs. Inbetween chores, when I’m bored, hungry, tired, thinking, planning, unwinding….it’s connect to everything almost. I’m either standing in the kitchen by the over-hood vent, or on the porch….feeling guilty about what smoking, while smoking. It’s ridiculous! I don’t really believe that smoking is “bad” for people (kept in moderation), more it’s how a person feels about smoking. If they don’t think it’s bad, then I don’t believe it’s such a big deal. But…when you think it’s bad, and you keep doing it…..that’s where there’s a problem! Same applies to everything. People that LOVE to eat, love to prepare food, and it’s all a scared ritual usually don’t have the problems that a person has when they think everything they’re putting in their mouth is bad for them……..and they keep eating the same junk. People that love the work they do, get more energy and inspiration from it. People that hate their work……wear themselves down to a nub. The process is all the same. If there are things you don’t enjoy, don’t derive pleasure from (in the purest sense)…..then why do them?? Problem is……..figuring out what you really love, and what you’ve only convinced yourself you’re okay with. There’s a lot that I’m only okay with, and that’s going to be another layer of crap I’m going to have to work through.
It’s a lot like taking two strangers and putting them in a theme park alone. There’s not much tension in that. Take two strangers and put them together in a box………big difference! The stranger is me…..me and myself…..face to face…..and there’s not going to be any escaping that! It’s gonna be crazy, scary, and I don’t know…………….super difficult. And that’s if all goes well. I’m not going to get any support from the people around me, that can’t relate to anything I’m going through. That will make it even harder. No one is going to understand me acting crazy. It’s gonna be so easy to give up, but…….in no way is that an option!!