I Have a Problem…

I do. I think it’s part and parcel to being an artist….like when I was little, and rather then adapt to awkward or uncomfortable situations or environments…I’d grab crayons, pencils, paint, or play-dough….and retreat into my own little world (of my making). I still do that! I distract myself with the form and function of things, the aesthetics, and matrix of it all. I’m a TWEAKER! I can’t seem to leave well enough alone. I LOVE…I get big satisfaction from BUILDING and creating a website. The vision…the sweet customization. Buttons, backgrounds, logo’s, and banners. Tweak, tweak, tweak….bcuz I’m really just a noob. I can’t write code and assemble a website from scratch. I probably should learn, but with all the open-source stuff available, why? Because I might actually be able to make a somewhat decent living at it? Good point. Maybe. So much competition though, and another forte of a creative spirit……………………..non-competitiveness. <deep sigh>

I can keep tweaking and tweaking this site. Never wholly satisfied. I will customize a theme….as I’ve done, only moments later to sit back, and not feel satisfied with what I’ve accomplished…but find a new theme and think to start again. Maybe it’s too wide? Maybe it should be flexible? Maybe it’s too dark? Maybe it’s too packed? Maybe it’s too plain? Arggggggg…..it’s a sickness I tell ya. Seriously!

Was one thing when I had nothing better to do (Q: does one ever really never have anything better to do?) But now that I’m a mom. A single mom at that…….there is no free time to play around, which in essence is what it is. On top of that I have to start making more of an effort to learn to be spiritually satisfied with what I’m doing. Which isn’t just a head-space….it requires a whole restructuring of my thought-processes, and my actions!!! Can’t just f–k around with life, and be satisfied at the end of the day. Pardon being blunt, but it’s truth. It’s a vigil.  Being constantly aware of ones self, and it’s direction…ahhhhhhhhhhh, something like that. IDK. I guess it all comes down to CONFLICT!

There’s this old Chinese folk-tale about an old man who’s awoken in the middle of the night by thief breaking into his house to take his belongings. I can’t remember it exactly, but the old man is very accommodating. He helps the thief pack up his stuff, he shows him where the finest things are…reminding him not to forget them. He even feeds the thief, and allows him to spend the night bcuz there’s a terrible storm. The next morning the thief leaves, only to return a day later with all of the things he had stolen. The thief is completely beside himself, crying to the old man, “You’ve ruined me! I can’t live with myself anymore!” The thief explains at length, that he had never really thought of himself as a “thief” before. That he was an opportunist, smarter then average men. That other people were greedy, materialistic, and shallow…so he was always able to justify his thievery. But………since the old man had been so kind to him……..all he could think about was how he was an outright THIEF, and he couldn’t live with that. Anyway……..he begged the old man to forgive him, and help him be a better man. The old man took his stuff back, but confided to the thief that he could not help him with the rest, saying…”Now that you consider yourself a thief…that is what you are”.

The moral being……..that once the thought is in place, it can be the strongest thing against ones self. The idea of someone being their own WORST enemy. And, it’s true. As long as the man was completely ignorant/unconscious of his actions…he could live easily with himself. Once, he made the acknowledgement…and chose to own the “fact” of it. He was stuck with his own awareness of it. That can be the hardest thing to change. Ones ideas about them-self. Ignorance is bliss. Once we begin down a path of self-awareness, we can appear even more messed up then we thought we were to begin with! To avoid going on, which I can easily do! It’s not so much about “changing” these habits for those habits, worse for better. It’s not about a vigil of ‘remembering’ to be one thing and not another. It’s actually a vigil of forgetting, and the conundrum in that!!! I guess it’s simple to say it’s about a vibration one holds…where their resonance is…places them on a particular level of existence or ‘being’.

Thoughts are vibrations too. Everything is a vibration. As we come to understand….eventually….certain thoughts can only exist on certain vibratory levels. What I’m getting at is….it’s not so much about balancing a hundred things on your plate, or ‘forcing’ yourself in this direction or that. It starts off with INTENT to be a certain way, then it’s through a hands-off vigil of non-obsessing that we can enter that space. Like the saying, “Let go and let God”. Or the idea that there’s nothing standing in the way, except YOU. That’s all very true. Forcing vibrational change doesn’t work. It’s a flow we can only get into if we vibrate with it. Then it’s wide open to us. Blah, blah, blah…..not trying to be some spiritual guru. Just sharing my experience that as humans…we typically make things more difficult then necessary! Forget about who you want to be, where you want to be….like it’s work. Hold a loose energy for that space, then allow things to fall into place. Sometimes giving things time, is the hardest thing we can do. Without stepping in and working to fix or tweak them! Obsessing, or holding tight to particular thoughts…just gives them more energy…to hold that vibration. Letting go when we can…we break free from that. And, there’s a lot more options in freedom.

May the FLOW be you! 🙂

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