Spread Thin

Thinking about the Internet…what it provides, what it generates…how we respond to it.\r\nThe Internet is a natural, simple thing unto itself. It”s what we do with it, how we work with it. It”s how we behave inside it”s environment. And, it”s a good representation of how we ”inter”-act with the world (on this planet).\r\n\r\nWe all spread ourselves too thin! We dilute our quality of life. We do that.\r\n\r\nI”ve moved so far away from so many things. The distance has allowed me a clearer perspective. Words have become strange things. I can speak to others from this clearer place, but it then it causes ”tension” for one side or the other, and since my nature is STO…I find I always work to absorb the tension. I know what it is. I see it all in elemental state. I can work with easier. I can utilize flux, reverberation, distortion. I am the artist.\r\n\r\nBut it”s extra work on my part, and the act is ”enabling” on another part…..and I see that as well.\r\nI see so much. Too much maybe.\r\n\r\nI move into a conversation, and I hear comments like, “Don”t worry, it”s Friday”, or “I can”t believe it”s Monday”…what does that mean? My roommate asked me this morning, “Did you sleep well?” I said, “I don”t know”. She asked, “What time did you go to bed?” I said, “I don”t know”. I don”t know! I don”t know how those things are important. I don”t keep track of that stuff. I don”t know how to utilize it. Time of the day, day of the week, categories, and definitions… all hang in the air for me. But, what do I do? I allow myself to be played by it. I give in to it in an attempt to ease the other person, and have them feel comfortable. I want to make them feel ”significant”, but……….. :?\r\n\r\nI say, “Oh, shit. Is it Friday already? Man the week flew by!”\r\n\r\nI lower the bar. I meet people on that level. I wont” say…”their level”, bcuz I don”t think of it as a place they belong to. It”s a grade…like kindergarten. It”s a place like ”recess”. It”s a place between classes, where the goal is to avoid important work, avoid the groups that are different, drag in as much stuff as one prefers, and leave behind everything that makes one uncomfortable. And then I come along with no regard for these behaviours, and I see how it causes tension.\r\n\r\nMy children are weak because I do too much for them. My brothers and sisters are confused bcuz I work to ease them, rather then wake them up. My elders are lost, bcuz I”ve never been able to figure out how to make them take me seriously. On all levels I look around and I see where I could do more…by approaching all things more authentically. I lower myself to everyone around me…to allow them to think, act, behave however they wish, bcuz all that tension is too much. Even in my own little world; this one small circle…it spreads me too thin.\r\n\r\nOf course…there”s always another way of looking at it all. I”d be lucky to take one person under my wing and teach them all I know. I”d be lucky if that person was me! If I was engrossed enough in my own class, in my own studies…then all work would be through ”example”! Still, why is there something in my head about having to have the rest keep up? Why am I concerned with that? Why do I move aside into a zone of waiting? And from that zone why do I believe I can influence others, or curb the effects, and reactions? Work to keep everyone focused. Every move like that limits me.\r\n\r\nSo…I”m trapped in the system. I walked out, but I come back constantly to try and inspire, but things aren”t set up for that. The system is designed to cancel out all that information from outside it”s control…and in that…it works to cancel me out if I don”t leave it all at the gate when I come back in. But…that”s leaving “me” at the gate (the sum of who I am). So, I walk in empty and I try so hard…it takes so much energy, so much intent, so much focus to work with what”s available here. To make art out of what”s in the box…it”s always gonna come out cynical, and harsh, and be filled with triggers for the ”conditioned” soul. It always stinks of ”propaganda” from the ”otherside”. And…typically the work is rejected. I”m rejected. And…the rejection doesn”t bother me that much, except for that fact that “I AM A COLLABORATOR”. I”ve accepted that.\r\n\r\nAs long as there are others around, even at a distance…I”m always going to be thinking how we can work together. I can”t think any other way. Collaboration is the most logical group action/activity. But, in an STS system it doesn”t work. People are more then happy to have you work with them to achieve their goals, but then they”re never available to help you reach yours.\r\nAnd there”s a ton of manipulation that plays out in that dance…typically where the Tom Sawyers like to paint the picture that they”re helping ”you” out, which for whatever reason is underlying the perspective…makes it very clear right from the start that ”you”re involvement is in no way appreciated”. Even when you”re busting your ass or bending over backwards. It never registers as such. It can”t! God forbid they ever feel that they OWE anyone, anything! I think the word is USURPER!\r\n\r\nMy main functions can”t be applied inside the box…or they”re gobbled up so quickly by the starving that whatever I bring is never enough…and I can easily get distracted by feeding the masses!!! I think any STO does.\r\n\r\nI need to change things up again. I need to walk in with my head high, my energy full blown and centered on me. I need to speak my mind, and leave it at that…let other people find their way to where I”m coming from…not always rush up to guide them, or explain. A prologue to myself doesn”t help!!! I have to find the ability to laugh at the students, rather then feel pity for their ignorance. Everyone is in such a wonderful, adventurous time in their lives. In order for me to appreciate and enjoy where they”re coming from…I have to embody myself fully. I must practice what I know, be who I am…open up…so the tension doesn”t touch me. I”m not sure how I came to the point of thinking that being on the receiving end, and catching it…helps? How I came up with the idea that sticking my hands in the vortex to catch something of the cycle and smooth it out would in someway do anything beneficial. All it does is rip my arms off. And wanting sympathy or understanding for that is ridiculous.\r\n\r\nI need to move out of the ridiculous immature cycle of life, and spend some time filling out the goddess that I”ve neglected!!! So that I might be able to take time off and enjoy myself with some childlike enthusiasm. Right now…I”m taking it all too seriously!\r\nBut, not as seriously as before now! 😉

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