I’m still grappling with the old me. Not so much the ‘irresponsible’ me…just the me that has the tendency to be a little too laid back for her own good. The me that shirks making decisions, that’s just as a happy to say “whatever…doesn’t matter to me”. I’m very conditioned to take the passengers seat. Now that I’m a mom…that’s not gonna work, and I’m struggling with this Captains hat.
I believe by nature…I’m very well-equipped for being in charge of things; something that came naturally to me from the start. Being open-minded, compassionate, and empathetic…able to see the forest for the trees, while also taking the details into consideration. It’s the artist in me that makes me fair, and well-rounded as a leader. I’ve allowed that to be programed out of me…bcuz time and time again, throughout my life, I’ve come up against too many others with a gross need of being in control. I’ve let go, and let others dictate…most likely not to my best interests.
None of that’s important now. Just sounds like excuses at this point. This point….the NOW, the rest is mute…water under the bridge. However, getting my feet back underneath me, and regaining the reigns = not so easy. Or, is it? Breaking the conditioning…that’s the hard part. That’s the only hard part when it comes to do anything differently! Basically, I know that no one is responsible for me, except me. Looking towards others to accomplish something for me…waiting for others to step up for me………..ain’t gonna work, and is really just a waste of time. A unrealistic distraction. I can’t take on the world. I don’t think I have to. Keeping it simple for starters, and not being idle. PROACTIVE! Leaning forward, rather than back. Building some momentum…and addressing everything as it comes. Otherwise, it’s a huge, piled up mess on my plate. I’m tired of that. Then it all seems like “too much”, and I get into a defeatist or self-sympathy mode. Another state of mind I can no longer afford!
Forward in all directions! Without “personalizing” everything to a stagnating degree. That’s the secret.